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I am he as you are me...
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| the hardest parts are the memories and the constant reminders.
and i freaking hate fall out boy more than usual right now. thanks for the memories. weird associations with that song now.
but i think things will be okay when my one friend calls me next. |   |
| i haven't made a serious post for quite sometime. but i've got a lot i'm dealing with, and i felt the sudden urge to post about it.
my parents are more than likely selling their house. we've been living in this house since i was in the fifth grade, so it's kind of my home. but they're buying the house my grandmother currently lives in out in ocean city. grandma's moving to a retirement community down on solomon's island, which will put her closer to her youngest son. she wants this very much, she's even selling the beach house to my parents for less than half of what it was appraised at. mom and dad were originally going to rent the family house to me, but they can't quite afford to do that, and think they'll be able to help me and my siblings more in the future by following this avenue.
in the meantime, i'm trying to figure out my living situation. currently, i'm staying with michelle, erin, and beth at the house i was renting a room in before. but i need my own space, and i need to give michelle her space, so i'm trying to figure out where i'm going to live. i don't really want to move back home, and their plans to sell the house make me want to move home even less. i want to find a place to live soon, and hopefully stay there for awhile, maybe be settled a bit. i've finally gotten myself a job, so that's one step in the right direction. i also have started the wheels in motion to return to school at aacc this spring. i'm changing my major to american studies, it's a course of study that i think i'll enjoy, i can find applicable jobs that i'll more than likely enjoy, and i could actually see teaching it. music is still my love, but i can do the things i want to do in music without earning a degree in the subject, and it wouldn't really set me up for anything besides teaching.
i hope i haven't bored anyone too much, and if anyone has any helpful comments or suggestions, or would simply love to talk, i'd love to hear from you. call me, or something. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| call from Apple Computer, Annapolis this afternoon around 1:30. I go in tomorrow to fill out paperwork, and possibly a bit of training. i'm excited! this should be an awesome job.
plus, i've been practicing with albatross, which is also very cool.
things are looking up... | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| I still haven't gotten paid from any of my work on Rent up in York, PA. This is beginning to get kind of stressful, considering that I am hopefully moving in up here in Baltimore, and have not been able to contribute anything financially. Don't get me wrong, I can work on the house, I can help clean, but I'm getting tired of eating everyone elses food and having to borrow money since I'm running low.
Also, I need a job. Like now. Something I enjoy enough to do it for awhile, and allows me to have time for music.
Speaking of music, I will be playing with Albatross starting this Sunday. I'm doing keys, third guitar, and vocals. I'm excited.
Also, my new band, This is the Circus, should be getting underway soon. Jordan Klein is playing bass, and Mike Cohn (ex-Welcome to Boone) is doing drums. Plus all of us sing, play guitar, and play keyboards. We may invite another guitar player, either Ted (ex-Reign of Jay) or Jeff (ex-Gentle Governess), and Bradley might play horns and keys. All three of them sing as well, which obviously makes for more possibilities with harmony.
Anyway, anyone have any job ideas or connections? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Go to http://careercruising.com/
Sign in as nycareers, password landmark.
Take the career matchmaking test.
Post your top 10 choices
1. Director of Photography
2. Tow Truck Driver
3. Special Effects Technician
4. Humanitarian Aid Worker
5. Actor
6. Security System Technician
7. Parking Lot Attendant
8. Tour Guide
9. Sign Maker
10. Set Designer
That's quite a list. It covers a lot of ground. From a driver to a parking lot attendant, all the way up to phtographer or actor. I could get a certificate to be an SST in six months. I don't know that I'd want to do that with my life. But, honestly, I think that's the only thing on this list that I have strong disagreements with. As long as I owned the lot I was attending. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| a few things that popped into my head while sitting in borders today:
1) this is really good for me. it's getting me out of my comfort zone. i can't go ANYWHERE in annapolis without seeing someone i know. but here, i don't know anyone. if i went a little farther south or west, i would know quite a few people. but i decided to come here, to hagerstown, where the only people i know are my uncle, aunt, cousins, and grandmother. 3 adults and 4 children. you don't run into them in the bookstore or the grocery store or the small pizzeria in the middle of the historic district. i have to learn to meet people in an unfamiliar space, or learn to be alone, both of which would be good.
2) people here, in general are not very physically attractive. that shouldn't bother me. except that since i dated michelle i've put more stock into personal appearance and style. i still don't have much style, but i think i'm much better than i used to be. anyway... at the same time i miss seeing physically attractive people, i realize there is a lot more open emotion and more of a community atmosphere. things i value highly. i guess where i'm going with all of this (though it's mostly disconnected, mindless drivel) is that i think i am a big city guy with small town morals. something that seems to have struck a chord with the "bruce springsteen inside of me". but it also helps me figure out where i may need to be in awhile.
3) i know who i am, and i know what i want. someone told me a few months ago that i'm immature, and that i have a lot of growing up to do. and i think that's true. but i think that's true of most people in america, and i think i'm a bit farther along than most of the people i know, both in and out of my age group. in groups where i am the youngest i often feel that i still have the clearest world-view and personal-view. that's big.
4) recently my ego has been really big. or at least it seems that way. all i know is that something is telling me i have a bigger part to play yet. and that's also why i haven't run into the woods to never be heard from again. people are vital, and i still believe we all have purpose.
5) i am you as you are me. interpret that how you will. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | hagerstown. It's big (as far as space is concerned), quiet, and boring. exactly what i needed after this summer from hell. somewhere quiet to clear my head. unfortunately i miss my friends. i know it hasn't even been 24 hours, but when you're used to being able to find someone to hang out with so simply this isn't much fun. i'm planning on writing a whole albums worth of material before i leave. or have a job that i'm happy with. i don't think i'll be moving back into my family's house. i need to find my own place to live. or a place with a friend or two. i think i'll eventually move towards baltimore again, and then one day out to the pacific northwest. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i believe that true love is loving someone more than yourself. not to say that you don't take care of yourself, but it is very hard to balance the two. sometimes when you want someone to be that happy you sacrifice a little bit of yourself. and it's hard to get yourself back. but you do eventually. and until then, it hurts. you do stupid things, you either hurt them or hurt yourself, just because it's different and it doesn't immediately remind you of them (though the aftermath of that occurrence sometimes does). but regardless, if you truly love them, you still want them to be happy.
unfortunately, i feel that some of my friends have been judging me because i put myself through hell for someone. whatever. i'm tired of that. i've decided i'm not spending a whole lot of time with them, which i haven't been anyway. i do have friends who don't judge, and i also have friends who actually believe the same thing i do about love.
but i'm starting to doubt my stance on it. mostly because of my own personal pain. but then i remember my belief that every moment is preparing you for the next moment. and that love is the one thing we all have in common. this entire situation only reinforces the way i feel and what i believe. i know i'm right. everything in my life makes it perfectly evident. so everyone else can tolerate it or leave me alone.
note: i'm sorry if this seems disorganized, but it made sense in my head, and i've been needing to get that off my chest for awhile. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| it took me forever to get to sleep last night. i kept thinking about things that i really didn't want to think about.
but i also think i might go back to school. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| it's weird when everything you thought you had going for you doesn't work anymore.
is it really a bad thing to help someone grow?
i need to get out of here.
i'm considering not even going to work tomorrow, and instead just calling up and quitting. i'm so tired of all of this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| the internet's still broken at my house. i'm at 49west, which is where i go now to get coffee in the morning, check my personal email etc and then the band's stuff, and work on stuff for the band. i'm tired of not having access at home, but i do love having coffee.
i hate my job still. more than usual. someone please find me a new job. i can't find anything i'd enjoy, really, at least not more than part time. and i need more money than that. to be honest, i could live and save on around $200 a week. which, after taxes, is only a little less than i'm making now. but i don't want to work overnights anymore, either. it's exhausting me. i've been feeling sick of it for awhile now. but i'll deal until i find something else. something less corporate.
music is good. i'm excited about what the band is doing right now.
if anyone wants tickets to see Renton Cannon at Fletcher's in Baltimore on August 12, call or email me. they're $8 in advance, $10 at the door. i've got a bunch, but get 'em fast, they're moving quickly. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i hate the wire.
the barrows love it. and understandably so. it's a well-written show, with strong character development and a thick plot. it's hip and fresh, and the critics love it.
so why do i hate it? i'm neveer invited. it seems like everyone who loves it always wants to leave me out. i would love to watch the wire. every second of it. i just don't want to watch it alone. i hate watching tv alone. movies are fine, a lot of movies i like are not well-received by many of the people i hang out with. but the wire seems to be something that is enjoyed by a group of my friends, and i'm never asked to join.
so FUCK OFF!
P.S. i'm not really that angry. but it does annoy me. the fuck off is a joke. again, a joke. | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| things are in motion. lots of things.
i'm really tired of being jerked around at work. one minute they tell me i'm doing a fantastic job and they're trying to get me a raise, then the next they're saying i'm not performing my job to the best of my ability and i need to shape up. i think i'm gonna go job hunt in person next week since i have a lot of the week off. plus they gave me so few hours next week that i have to use some of my vacation time to make up for it.
i bought a new car. i just had it inspected and on monday i'm having my registration and insurance moved over to it. it's a beautiful 1990 volvo sedan. newest car i've ever owned.
michelle and i went out to dinner at sputnik cafe the other night. it was fantastic. we split a $30 three course meal. plus i had a couple drinks. we enjoyed it very much, and thanks to brooks for making it a little easier on my wallet.
i really want to move back out of my house. i could go back to arbutus, but michelle is moving into the apartment in a couple months, and seeing as we've broken up i don't think it would be a good idea to live together yet. and i want to go farther. chicago and philadelphia are my two big options right now, though it wouldn't happen for a bit.
renton cannon is sort of falling apart. matt's not pulling his weight, russell feels unexcited, and chris says he feels like he's drying up a bit creatively. luckily he and i have been jamming with carter as a kind of pre-cursor to floral, an idea i came up with a while back. that is probably what will come if renton cannon breaks up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | alright, forget this, i'm done trying to sleep. i'll just have to push through until tomorrow morning after work. if anyone feels like talking to me between now and then to help keep me awake, please call me or text me. i could really use the help. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | it's official: i'm going on 31 hours without sleep right about now. i'm so tired, but i just can't fall asleep. and i'm really hungry, but i don't want to go downstairs until i get a bit of sleep to work with. i have absolutely no idea what to do. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| two exciting things happened at work today:
1) someone in bakery thought it would be funny to put salt in the sugar shaker for the coffee they sell. luckily for the store, i was the first one to buy coffee, and fixed it, but unluckily for me i got the terrible taste of salty coffee. it was really gross.
2) four or five boxes fell on my head while keri and i were putting stuff away. it hurt. real bad. now i have a headache and i can't sleep. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| we might be kicking matt out of the band. we had a meeting about people missing practice recently and discussed a two-day call-out except in emergencies. well, we called his house and it turned out he had to work until 10. so we called him at work. he said he told us, which is an outright lie. i remember specifically asking him if he'd be at practice on thursday and he said yes. so we may be looking for a new drummer.
other than that, i guess i'm still adjusting to being single. i'm so tired of living at home. i need my own apartment, i would even like to continue living with erin, but michelle's gonna be moving in there and we can't be living together as friends right now, if ever. i'm perfectly okay with our relationship being over, but it's still WAAAAAAAY to soon for something like that.
i'm still waiting to hear back from all those jobs i applied for. i think i'll start calling around for follow-ups soon.
i have been losing weight like crazy. probably a combination of not eating enough, not sleeping enough, and exercising. i've been running and riding my bike, doing sit-ups, push-ups, and stretching. i feel pretty good physically, but i really just want to tone, wear some of this fat off. i want to be hot, because i never feel like i am.
i'm so done with being emotional. i feel like it's a turn-off to everyone around me. but i like the fact that i am completely honest about everything in my life with everyone around me. i know sometimes it seems like my life is a movie script i'm reading, but maybe there's just no reason to hide what i feel.
i still don't feel like things are supposed to be finished. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i can't watch movies with a love story anymore
they make me feel...weird. sad. down.
i saw pirates3 with my family tonight. god, that love story... | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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I am he as you are me...
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